strength

I definitely feel like God is testing my strength. There have been only a few times in my life that I have ever dropped to my knees and cried mercy. I am close to that now. With everything going on my life, I'm getting to that boiling point. Trust me, I do know it can always be worse. I am thankful that Michael is alive and healthy. I am thankful that he is healthy enough to withstand anesthesia. I think that my medical knowledge is bad when it comes to my son. I know what can go wrong. I know what anesthesia is and how it effects the body. I know how easy it is for things to go wrong. I am terrified. I am terrified that I caused this. I am terrified that I am going to lose the most important thing in the world. I am terrified that Michael is going to pay for all the horrible sins I have committed in my life. This precious, innocent boy is the most amazing person I have ever had the privileged of knowing. What if he needs the surgery and mess up and he's not him anymore. I have had to stop researching. I am a researcher. Someone gives me a problem, I research every option, every outcome until I cant research anymore. I researched for 10 min and had to stop. I have never been so scared in my life. CT scan in 7 days, 156 hours, 9360 minutes. In 9360 minutes, my son will go under anesthesia for the first time in his life. I am going to spend the next 9360 minutes loving my son. Hopefully God doesn't want Michael as one of his Angel's yet.