Trying to get over the anger...

I realized a few days ago that I am super angry and I'm having a hard time getting over it. I'm so angry that my foal died. It was a year ago April 5th. I am also so angry over my emergency c-section. I know I'm not ready to deal with the anger over Adored. I don't really know when I will be ready to deal with it. I think about it and I get a knot in my stomach and can feel my tears starting. It's gotten so bad that I get angry at clients talking about their pregnant mares foaling. I hope soon I can talk about that awful day. I am ready to get over the anger over Michael's birth. I am hoping that by writing this, it will ease my heart. And maybe, just maybe I can let go of the anger I have towards myself.... it's a start!

Well, it was Christmas morning! 4 am and I had to pee. When I climbed back into bed I was a little excited because there was still quite a bit of pressure like I still needed to pee. my water broke! I hollered to Chad that it was time. He jumped right outta bed and rushed to get clothes on! I had to remind him to grab me a towel! The house was around 58 degrees and I was soaking wet and the fan was going. I called my Ob and let her know my water had broken, but I wasn’t having any significant contractions. I showered and felt the wonderful pain of true contractions. We called our families and were off to the hospital!! Lucky for me, we only live 5 minutes from our hospital! When we arrived, we walked to the elevators were more water came gushing out for the poor kid waxing the floor to see! I was so upset and had to have Chad help re-dress me. We arrived to the Labor and Delivery secured unit and the hooked me up to all the wonderful monitors and then checked to see how far along I was. “2cm, 80% effaced and membranes were ruptured!” the nurse let me know… You have got to be freaking kidding me! I thought I was going to die and I was only 2cm!! She asked if I wanted an epidural and I said yes. I fealt so whimpy but geeze! Those contractions were uncomfortable. The nurse thought it would be another 12 hours before pushing and I couldn't imagine that pain for 12 more hours! She let me know it was gonna be a bit because there was another lady in labor that they were getting ready to put an epidural in. She offered me some iv drugs which I declined. About 20 min later the Anesthesiologist came in to do my epidural. Chad was able to stay but my parents had to leave the room. I had a lot of edema along my back from laying down sleeping all night (I had high blood pressure and a lot of swelling the last 2 weeks). The anesthesiologist had a heck of a time getting my epidural in. She would get close and then I would have an awful pain in my left hip. On the 7^th time she decided to go a little higher and got the epidural in. She pushed the Mericaine into my catheter and let me know what to watch out for. My legs were numb and I could no longer feel contractions!! Sweet!! Then slowly I didn’t feel right. I said something to the nurse.. the feeling then turned into feeling like I was going to pass out…I need to vomit.. Chad and the nurse lay me onto the bed, I fell over like a sack of potatoes… Im numb from my shoulders down and cant breath…. All of a sudden my blood pressure drops to 60/40 and my heart rate jumps up… there was a rush of people into the room… the nurse asked me to squeeze her hand.. I couldn’t… Chad was holding the fetal monitor on my belly trying to find the baby… I panic!! “Help me!” I tried to scream but only came out in a wisper. “Hows my baby?” All I could do was gasp for air, my breathing muscles weren’t working, luckily I had an oxygen mask on so the breaths I was taking kept my PulseOx at 98%. They decided to put a monitor on the baby’s head to make sure he was okay. I then go unresponsive- I could hear everyone and feel pressure but I couldn’t respond. I could feel it coming on.. They were about to intubate me when I came to. I was feeling a little better, still couldn’t breath but was better. The nurse told me the baby was looking great so they wanted to let the maricaine were off (it would take about 30-45 min) and let me deliver vaginally. I liked the idea of vaginal delivery but panicked at the thought of 30-45 more min of gasping for air. My blood pressure dropped again, this time affecting the baby. His heart rate dropped to 60 and the nurse said c-section time. I looked at Chad and wanted to tell him I loved him because I didn’t know if I was going to make it. I couldn’t say it because it made my panic increase. They rush me to the OR taking me off the oxygen but keeping the ambu-bag on my face. I start to feel claustrophobic, I didn’t think I could breath. We get to the room and they hoist me onto the surgery table. I wasn’t much help because I was a limp noodle. When I look up, I see this male RN. I tried to get the ambu bag off my face because I was certain this was the reason I couldn’t breath. I looked at him and said “help me” one more time and then I was asleep. We later found out that I went into respiratory arrest and was blue lipped. Once they intubated me I was fine. It was my inability to breath. I then woke up as they wheeled me to the room. The nurse and put pillows all around my arms so I could hold my son Michael. He let me know all that happened while I was out. He wasn’t allowed in the room during the initial portion, but once Michael was out he was able to come in and get him. They let him re-cut the umbilical cord. He took him and showed him off to the family. They had to keep me asleep because it was a crash c-section so they couldn’t waste time by counting lap sponges and instruments so they had to ultrasound me and take xrays. Once they knew there were no things left in me they were able to wake me up! From the time Michael started going down hill and c-section was decided to the time he was out was 10 min! It’s quite amazing to think about! Michael was born at 7:53am Christmas morning. He weighed 7 pounds 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. He was perfect!! I got a spinal headache in the hospital. They say it’s because I had a slow leak of spinal fluid, a leak faster then my body could replace. My brain wasn’t floating! They fixed this by putting a blood patch in my back. They had to put an epidural into my back. All in all, I had 10 needles in my spine, and lots of holes in my arms where they got the blood from. 6 holes in my left forearm, 2 in my right, a catheter in my left arm and a right, and blood work from my right. I was a pin cushion for 4 days! My hospital stay was 4 days, 3 nights. In the end I am blessed. Michael is healthy, I am healthy. So why am I still dwelling on that day. On the fact that I didnt hear my son cry for the first time. That I didnt see him first. Why can't I let it go?